Gee, ya think?

Clay Aiken is finally confirming what many people already knew: He's gay. The cover of the latest People magazine shows Aiken holding his infant son, Parker Foster Aiken, with the headline: "Yes, I'm Gay." The cover also has the quote: "I cannot raise a child to lie or hide things."

The magazine has an interview with Aiken and confirmed that he was on the cover but refused to release the article to The Associated Press until Wednesday.

The baby's mother is Aiken's friend and record producer Jaymes Foster.

Aiken, who gained fame as the runner-up on "American Idol" in 2003, rarely addressed the frequent rumors about his sexuality. In an interview with The Associated Press two years ago, he said: "I don't really feel like I have anybody to answer to but myself and God and the people I love."

Oh, and dont forget to tell Parker to watch out in the SC reststops for guys like you!

W, this one is on you, buddy,

“Every great cause,” Eric Hoffer wrote, “begins as a movement, becomes a business, and eventually degenerates into a racket.”


Paulson used to work for Goldman Sachs. Mr 'Free Markets'.

Now he wants to bail out his former employer, using tax $$$.

In 2006, the president of the Federal Reserve Bank of St. Louis noted “Everyone knows that a policy of bailouts will increase their number.” This week, Congress is being asked to hastily consider a monstrous bailout plan on a scale nearly equivalent to the existing balance sheet of the Federal Reserve.

As an economist and investment manager has pointed out, he is

"concerned that the plan advocated by Treasury is essentially a plan to bail out the bondholders of financial institutions that made bad lending decisions, with little help to homeowners that are actually in financial distress. It is difficult to believe that the U.S. government is contemplating taking on the bad assets of these institutions at probable taxpayer loss and effectively immunizing the bondholders (and shareholders) of these companies.

While it is certainly in the public interest to avoid the dislocations that would result from a disorderly failure of highly interconnected financial institutions, there are better ways for public funds to accomplish this, other than by protecting corporate bondholders while homeowners remain in distress.

Consider a simplified balance sheet of a typical investment bank:

Good assets: $95

Assets gone bad: $5

TOTAL ASSETS: $100

Liabilities to customers/counterparties: $80

Debt to bondholders of company: $17

Shareholder equity: $3

TOTAL LIABILITIES AND EQUITY: $100

Now, as these bad assets get written off, shareholder equity is also reduced. What has happened in recent months is that this equity has become insufficient, so that the company technically becomes insolvent provided that the bondholders have to be paid off:
Good assets: $95

Assets gone bad (written off): $0

TOTAL ASSETS: $95

Liabilities to customers/counterparties: $80

Debt to bondholders of company: $17

Shareholder equity: ($2)

TOTAL LIABILITIES AND EQUITY: $95

These institutions are not failing because 95% of the assets have gone bad. They are failing because 5% of the assets have gone bad and they over-stretched their capital. At the heart of the problem is “gross leverage” – the ratio of total assets taken on by the company to its shareholder equity. The sequence of failures we've observed in recent months, starting with Bear Stearns, has followed almost exactly in order of their gross leverage multiples. After Bear Stearns, Fannie Mae, and Freddie Mac went into crisis, Lehman and Merrill Lynch followed. Morgan Stanley, and Hank Paulson's former employer, Goldman Sachs, remain the most leveraged companies on Wall Street, with gross leverage multiples above 20.

Look at the insolvent balance sheet again. The appropriate solution is not for the government to replace the bad assets with public money, but rather for the government to execute a receivership of the failed institution and immediately conduct a “whole bank” sale – selling the bank's assets and liabilities as a package, but ex the debt to bondholders, which preserves the ongoing business without loss to customers and counterparties, wipes out shareholder equity, and gives bondholders partial (perhaps even nearly complete) recovery with the proceeds.

The key is to recognize that for nearly all of the institutions currently at risk of failure, there exists a cushion of bondholder capital sufficient to absorb all probable losses, without any need for the public to bear the cost.

For example, consider Morgan Stanley's balance sheet as of 8/31/08. Total assets were $988.8 billion, with shareholder equity (including junior subordinated debt) of $42.1 billion, for a gross leverage ratio of 23.5. However, the company also has approximately $200 billion in long-term debt to its bondholders, primarily consisting of senior debt with an average maturity of about 6 years. Why on earth would Congress put the U.S. public behind these bondholders?

The stockholders and bondholders of the company itself should be the first to bear losses, not the public. That is the essence of what a free and fair market, and a responsible government would enforce. The investors in the companies that produced the losses should be accountable for them, and the customers and counterparties should be protected.

The case of Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac was special in that government had already provided an implicit guarantee to their bondholders, so that bailout couldn't have been done otherwise without harming the good faith and credit of the government, but it's absurd to tell Wall Street “send us your poor and your tired assets, and we will tend to them.” The gains in financial stocks we have observed in the past two days reflects money that those firms expect to be taken out of the public pocket.

With regard to assisting homeowners, purchasing the bad mortgage securities from financial institutions will do nothing to help those homeowners because it does nothing to alter the cash flows expected of them. Congress will be a far better steward of public funds by offering distressed homeowners what amounts to a refinancing, coupled with a partial surrender of future appreciation.

In practice, the homeowner would default on the existing mortgage, but the government would purchase the foreclosed property at an amount near existing foreclosure recovery rates (presently about 50% of mortgage face value). The government would then sell that home back to the owner with a zero-equity mortgage, allowing individuals to keep their homes. Importantly, there would be an additional, marketable lien placed on the property itself in the form of what might be called a “Property Appreciation Receipt” (PAR), which would be provided to the original mortgage lender. Though it would accrue no interest, it would provide a claim to the original lender on any appreciation in the value of the home up to the difference between the foreclosure proceeds and the original mortgage amount. Note that the PAR would only become relevant at the point that the government was fully repaid.

For example, consider a homeowner with a $300,000 mortgage balance on a home now worth less than the mortgage balance itself. The government would buy the foreclosed property at say, $200,000 and mortgage it to the existing homeowner. The original lender would receive $200,000, plus a Property Appreciation Receipt (PAR), giving it a claim on $100,000 of any future appreciation of the property. If the homeowner was to sell the property later for, say, $250,000, the owner of the PAR would receive $50,000, and there would be a remaining lien on future appreciation of that same property, which would be assumed by the new buyer. If the next buyer sold the home for $250,000, no funds would be due to the PAR holder, but if it was sold for $275,000, another $25,000 would be payable. At any point the home was to sell for more than $300,000, the PAR would be fully repaid and there would be no further claim.

Some provision would have to be made for the appreciation of an unsold home, but that detail could be accomplished through some form of equity extraction refinancing. To account for time value, the claim on future appreciation could be increased at a small rate of interest. Though the credit impact of a mortgage default would likely be sufficient to dissuade solvent homeowners from making inappropriate use of the program, the government could impose additional costs or eligibility requirements to avoid such risks.

In summary, the Treasury proposal to address current financial difficulties places corporate bondholders ahead of the public, rewards irresponsible risk-taking, and sets a precedent for future bailouts. Moreover, we know from a long history of economic experience across countries that a major expansion of government liabilities is invariably followed by multi-year periods of extremely high inflation, particularly when it is not matched by a similar expansion of economic production. Such inflation would initially be modest because of the current weakness in the economy, but could pose unusual challenges to the United States in the coming years.

Congress can benefit the American public by maintaining a focus on responsibly assisting homeowners in distress rather than defending the stockholders and bondholders of overleveraged financial companies. It is essential to recognize that the failure of these companies need not result in “financial meltdown” provided that the “good bank” representing the vast majority of assets and liabilities is cut away, protecting customers and counterparties, so that the losses are properly borne out of the capital base of the companies that incurred them."

Running Scared, part two

Those wacky internets!

My new 'pen pal', who encourages douchebags to 'write conservative blogs' to 'get the message out' is back !

Here's the latest entries:

"OK - game over. But I absolutely cannot see the sexism in the para below, especially since you have taken it out of context. It was meant as a comparison of qualities that are being toted around for the candidates - a comparison of their resumes - surely you can see that! It has nothing to do with Hilary or nayon else's credentials - only the credentials of Palin and Obama. Surely any executive, CEO, small business owner, college or other institution would be making the same type of comparisons when looking for suitable candidates for a particular job! I am 62 years old. If I applied to become a ballet dancer in a working group, I think I would be refused, even though I have danced all my life. Is that sexist? Is it agist? No - it's reality!

I find it highly dangerous to apply such labels where they are not appropriate. I am all for political correctness in many instances and I am glad that we are all so much more aware of these issues than we were - but to apply such analyses where they simply have no place is just not very smart."


Evan's response:

"yes, indeed. game over. If you dont see where mentioning someones experience as a *ahem* weather GIRL is not sexist ( not a 'meteorologist, a reporter, but a 'weather GIRL') then you obvously do not see the real issue. I have many issues w/Palin, but I at least give credit where do. She accomplished alot: taking down an incumbent crooked GOP is a good start. Like it or not, the 'WOMAN' accomplished quite a bit, just like Hillary. To minimize any of it is dishonest, and piss poor politics of personal destruction.

This is the reason Obama only has 6 points over McSame in NY. This is why JM is gaining ground in the electoral college. Now we can play the semantics game all day, but if you are as old as you say, you would realize that to catagorize any woman in that way ( Girl? ) is sexist. plain and simple.
And 'encouraging' people to go argue pointless arguments on GOP websites is not only kinda dumb, but it would seem to me to clean up your own house first.

Women and independants will carry this election, and your email just pissed off 2. That's a recipe for failure.

Remember this if y'all lose: it's this kind of crap that did it."

Here's Obamanuts response to that:

"Well, my mail pissed off 2 but seems to have pleased at least 5 others, from whom I heard.

I actually agree with you about the "weather girl" - you're dead right, THAT is sexist. I missed that - perhaps ebcause, not being an American, I am not used to the incessant labelling and PC - but I agree that it is offensive.

I don't know why you keep bringing up Hillary - I was not a supporter of Hillary for other reasons, but had she been chosen, I would have supported her wholeheartedly as a DEmocrat, not particularly as a woman."

The coupe de grace from me:

"First, let me say welcome to America. I'm glad you take such an active role in our politics.

Here's some advice: since your not very educated on using derogatory terms like 'girl' when addressing a grown, accomplished woman: be VERY careful tossing around the term 'boy' at any Obama event. I promise you, you will learn the true meaning of 'out of context' very quickly. There's a 'freebie':-)

Some other unwarranted advice: many people in 'fly over country' very much resent the implications that being a 'Governor' of a less populated state, or a 'Mayor' of a small suburb, or even a city councilman or woman is not 'experienced'. That's quite a stretch. The simple, plain fact is BOTH Hillary AND Palin have more 'experience' then Obama. You can choose not to believe this, but then you would end up having to admit I was correct about this point as well later on.

As it was rightly pointed out by Paul Begala on May 06 of this year, the Democratic Party cannot win with the 'egghead/African American coalition'. Dukakis tried this and only carried 10 states and gave us G Bush the first. Adlai Stevenson also found this out in 1952. And 1956!!

In order to win the POTUS, you have to appeal to middle class fly over votes. Using sexist terms turns off the all important 'soccer/hockey mom' voters, and poking fun an rural areas kills any real chance of competing in the midwest or the south.

I understand you have 60+ years under the belt, not all of them here. But, trust me, do a little research on American Politics and History and you will learn alot. Once again, the Democratic Party is repeating it's former mistakes. It's well past time to stop making fun of a woman because she was in a beauty pageant, or was a small town mayor or Governor. Ummm, the last Democratic president that actually carried 2 terms was: a rural Governor from a backwater 'small' state. The 'inexperienced' slam did not work then, and it will not work now, since the 3 other males on the ticket have no executive experience AT ALL.

However, for sheer entertainment value, please continue to 'post'. Your 'perspective' is downright hilarious. "


Gotta love it. These idiots are concerned. Steamroller time, huh?:-)

Wow. They really are scared!

Junk mail. Gotta love it. Sometimes, those internets get crossed and I get mail that I should not have.

Check out this lil gem:

Dear Friends,

I am sure most of you are sick to death of all the emails re Palin, McCain etc. I know I am. But I do want to prevent a sort of hopeless depression from settling in amongst us, so I thought I would pass this idea on - not that it's anything new, but simply that we don't seem to be doing it.

Circulating all these emails among like-thinking people is not helping us to move forward against the formidable Republican team. Perhaps we are becoming like Don Quixote charging those windmills. What we need to do is INFILTRATE the pro McCain/Palin media with intelligent, thoughtful, fact-filled information. So my suggestion is that if you have the time to research pro-McCain/Palin blogs and to send in your comments, that might actually be more effective than our inner-circle outrage. At least subscribe to some of the Republican media so that we are truly informed of how the other half thinks and can effectively strike back .

Re: what we can try to do about Palin

Wow. I wrote back a short one liner that said simply " I find sexism despicable "

And this was the response I got back:

"I can't say it better than the piece below, which I didn't write, but it says all it needs to say:


If you grow up in Hawaii, raised by your grandparents, you're "exotic, different."


* Grow up in Alaska eating moose burgers, a quintessential American story.


* If your name is Barack you're a radical, unpatriotic Muslim.


* Name your kids Willow, Trig and Track, you're a maverick.


* Graduate from Harvard law School and you are unstable.


* Attend 5 different small colleges before graduating, you're well grounded.


* If you spend 3 years as a brilliant community organizer,

become the first black President of the Harvard Law Review, create a voter

registration drive that registers 150,000 new voters, spend 12 years as a

Constitutional Law professor, spend 8 years as a State Senator representing

a district with over 750,000 people, become chairman of the state Senate's

Health and Human Services committee, spend 4 years in the United States

Senate representing a state of 13 million people while sponsoring 131 bills and

serving on the Foreign Affairs, Environment and Public Works and

Veteran's Affairs committees, you don't have any real leadership experience.



* If your total resume is: local weather girl, 4 years on

the city council and 6 years as the mayor of a town with less than 7,000

people, 20 months as the governor of a state with only 650,000 people, then

you're qualified to become the country's second highest ranking executive.



* If you have been married to the same woman for 19 years while raising 2 daughters, all within Protestant churches,

you're not a real Christian.



* If you cheated on your first wife with a rich heiress, and left your disfigured wife and married the heiress the next month,

you're a Christian.



* If you teach responsible, age appropriate sex education, including the proper use of birth control, you are eroding the fiber of society.


* If , while governor, you staunchly advocate abstinence only, with no other option in sex education in your state's school system

while your unwed teen daughter ends up pregnant , you're very responsible.



* If your wife is a Harvard graduate lawyer who gave up a position in a prestigious law firm to work for the betterment of her inner city community, then gave that up to raise a family, your family's values don't represent America's.


* If you're husband is nicknamed "First Dude", with at least one DWI conviction and no college education, who didn't

register to vote until age 25 and once was a member of a group that advocated the secession of Alaska from the USA, your family is extremely admirable. "


My response:

you just made my point. The following paragraph is blatantly sexist. If this is the kind of 'change' politics I keep hearing about, well, good luck with that.


Thanks for playing!

* If your total resume is: local weather girl, 4 years on

the city council and 6 years as the mayor of a town with less than 7,000

people, 20 months as the governor of a state with only 650,000 people, then

you're qualified to become the country's second highest ranking executive.

stay tuned for the next exciting episode!

Scared?

Barack Obama knows it. The election he had in the bag is slipping away.

The selection of Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin as John McCain’s running mate has so thrown him off stride, as it has most other Democrats, that all the momentum he had has vanished. He’s getting panicky advice from everywhere. He intends to launch more and sharper attacks, abandoning any pretense of a new and different, more civil campaign.

Democrats know something, and desperation is setting in. They have a novice campaigner who wanders off message. With every advantage in the primaries, Obama couldn’t win the big states — New York, New Jersey, Ohio and Pennsylvania — against Hillary Clinton, even when he got to define the rules for running against him. She could never risk alienating the base she’ll need in 2012; John McCain and Sarah Palin have no such constraints — hence the panic.

For a “change” candidate, Obama appears to be a man locked in time, unable to move past criticism, unable to move from the grip of the Democratic left, unable to adapt to the changed reality that the campaign is not the referendum on the war in Iraq or on the administration of George W. Bush that he’d envisioned.

He’s begun to sound dated. Last week, for example, he devoted valuable campaign days — less than two months remain — into explaining a silly “lipstick on a pig” line. The McCain campaign had reacted, accusing him of making the reference to Palin. “I don’t care what they say about me,” Obama responded. “But I love this country too much to let them take over another election with lies and phony outrage and ‘Swiftboat politics.’ Enough is enough,” he said. (The Swiftboat reference is from the 2004 campaign of John Kerry).

The Democratic left is still seething from the Kerry campaign’s loss and is determined to see Bush expelled from the White House in disgrace — the reason it is locked in to making this a referendum on the administration now ending.

It barely worked when the maverick McCain, no darling of the Bushites, got the nomination. With Palin, the Washington outsider, the “third term” argument is plainly absurd. But Obama can’t let go, just as the lefties can’t let go of the Swiftboat Veterans for Truth defeat of Kerry. He can’t move on.

Obama has the habit, too, of reminding voters of their doubts about him, as he did in reminding a Detroit audience that he’s been accused of being less interested in protecting you from terrorists than reading them their rights. And, when he professes love of country as his basis for refusing to allow the McCain campaign to attack his words, he raises questions about why he finds the affirmation of love necessary.

Obama will lose because with less than two months remaining voters won’t be able to get comfortable with him. He can’t stay on message and he can’t avoid sending signals that interfere with the message when he does.

McCain, on the other hand, has been superb going back at least to Obama’s European tour. Mainstream America is comfortable with him and, with Palin’s selection, conservatives who had their doubts are onboard. The GOP is energized and suddenly an unwinnable election is reversed.

Obama got this far by winning small states and Southern states he has no chance of carrying in November. In Georgia, for example, the latest Insider Advantage poll has McCain pulling 56 percent of the vote to 38 percent for Obama, numbers that are not likely to change more than 4 percentage points in November. The undecideds and those who intend to vote for third-party campaigns are at 6 percent.

In this election, voters will decide early. Obama’s been in a yearlong campaign; McCain’s familiar. The two are sufficiently exposed and known for voters to make a decision now.


http://www.ajc.com/opinion/content/shared-blogs/ajc/thinkingright/entries/2008/09/12/panic_sets_in_for_obama_democr.html



It’s not over. But it’s getting there — and Obama knows it.

yep

ATLANTA -- Ron White of the "Blue Collar Comedy Tour" said a former employee angry over not getting a severance tipped off Florida police that he was carrying marijuana.

The Atlanta-based comedian described the incident that led to his arrest last week on the tarmac of a private air strip in Vero Beach as "extortion, plain and simple." The 51-year-old White told The Atlanta Journal Constitution that his former pilot, Scott Wolcott of Conyers, Ga., made the call to police.

Wolcott denied the allegations in a phone interview with the newspaper.


White didn't deny he was carrying marijuana. He said his California doctor prescribes him the drug for medical use, though he did not say for what condition.

The true test of the rookie

starts today in Tampa Bay.

Jon Gruden made the call. Now, for the sake of this season, the Bucs coach hopes he is right.

A quarterback change is a major upheaval in the rigid world of the NFL -- a shock to the system of a team, its offense and the entire organization.

The Buccaneers had been programmed since last year that Jeff Garcia is its quarterback. The status quo from a playoff season had been wholeheartedly reinforced throughout the offseason, training camp, preseason games and into the regular season opener. Everybody was on board.

Gruden himself made light of how this is the first time in ages that he will go into a season with a quarterback as a returning starter, since the departure of Brad Johnson.

So what does he do? After one game, he cuts off Garcia at the knees, following a season-opening loss in which the quarterback made several poor throws, with no help from a preseason of injury and inactivity.

Garcia suffered a sprained ankle in the 24-20 loss to the Saints in New Orleans, but that was hardly the reason for the change. If the ankle was the only problem, Gruden would not have come out Wednesday and declared backup Brian Griese the starter for today's home opener against the Atlanta Falcons (1-0).

He would have let Garcia heal and buy time, just like he is doing with linebacker Derrick Brooks and his hamstring injury.

Gruden surely thinks Garcia is still having trouble putting behind him two peripheral issues that angered him in the offseason -- Tampa Bay's pursuit of quarterback Brett Favre, and the unwillingness of the team to award Garcia a contract extension, and a hefty raise on his $2 million salary, after he essentially saved Gruden and general manager Bruce Allen's jobs last year.

Enter Matty Ice.

The Succanneers are a better team then the Lions. Today the true test is on Ryan and Gruden.

IF the Falcons go 2-0 tommorrow will be an interesting day in sports talk radio.

Texas, the lone nut state.

"Authorities say tens of thousands have ignored evacuation orders and are staying behind as Hurricane Ike takes aim at the Texas coast.

An Associated Press survey shows that in three counties alone, some 90,000 people have chosen not to leave despite dire warnings from forecasters.

The emergency management coordinator for Galveston County estimates that 80 percent of the residents evacuated. That leaves more than 11,000 residents in the county that is expected to take a direct hit from Ike's massive storm surge."

I can almost hear the wailing and gnashing of media teeth for these idiots.

Quick, Obama/McCain: lets start raising funds ( and taxes ) to help out the morons left powerless in the water!

Thin the herd, already. Oh yeah, thanks Texas for taking some of the heat off the stooges in Nawlins!

What is the deal with this guy?

This douchebag has never met an 'end of the world' scenario he didn't just LOVE. Now, it's French scientists.


"GLENN: You know they start that Super Collider tomorrow? So I don't know what time it starts up. The Bible says that no man shall know the date or the time. I'm thinking tomorrow around 8:30 ish? So grab an early dinner, grab your kids and then we'll all be sucked into a black hole tomorrow around 8:30. "

Now, I'm sure someone will explain that he was being 'sarcastic'. But anyone who has ever listened to his show know's this guy falls for every EOTW pitch he hears. Oh No! Russia just invaded Ukraine! It's the EOTW! Uh, not so fast, Beck.

How many times can this guy come up with these scare tactics before everyone wakes up and realizes he is Chicken Not So Little?

Media Matters sucks, but they at least have some entertaining film:

Spoiler Alert!

for those under a rock or in Zimbabwe: here is the Abridged 'Dork Night' movie:


FADE IN:

INT. BANK - GHICAGO

A GANG of CLOWNS breaks into a bank. The AUDIENCE impatiently tolerates the scene, despite having already watched it in front of I Am Legend as well as thirty times when it leaked ONLINE.

RANDOM CLOWN #1

Robbing this bank was a great idea. Anyone know why they call the guy that planned it ‘The Joker’?

RANDOM CLOWN #2

I hear he wears clown makeup to scare people.

RANDOM CLOWN #1

What? How does that answer the question at all? I asked why they call him ‘The Joker’, not why they call him ‘The Clown’. Nuts to this, has the real movie started yet?

The CLOWNS gather up a bunch of money and secretly kill each other one by one. One of the clowns pulls a gun on the OBVIOUSLY HEATH LEDGER CLOWN.

RANDOM CLOWN #3

I’m betting the Joker told you to kill me, so rather than kill you with your back turned I’m going to tell you how clever I am for figuring that out.

HEATH LEDGER CLOWN

No, I kill the bus driver.

RANDOM CLOWN #3

Bus driver? As in a person who drives a bus? That’s extremely confusing to me, for you see I am not aware of any bus thus far in the heist. How strange of you to mention a vehicle that I have yet to be aware of in any capacity. Let me just take a few steps to the left while I stand and ponder what you could possibly mean by that.

He gets run over by a BUS that drives into the bank.

BUS DRIVER CLOWN

Somehow, the bus survived crashing into the side of a building without a scratch, so let’s load it up with money! Hey, where are all of the other gang members?

HEATH LEDGER CLOWN

They had to go. Something about attending a dark carnival. Oh, and also, you’re dead.

HEATH kills the BUS DRIVER, puts a smoke grenade in WILLIAM FICHTNER’S mouth for no reason, then drives out of the building into a conveniently placed gap in a line of SCHOOLBUSES.

INT. PARKING GARAGE

A bunch of DRUG DEALERS confront CILLIAN MURPHY.

DRUG DEALER

Hey, your LSD made my clients shit themselves and jump out of buildings.

CILLIAN MURPHY

Honestly, why were you buying drugs from a guy with a potato sack on his head?

Suddenly a bunch of FAKE BATMEN break up the drug deal but eventually CHRISTIAN BALE WEARING BLACK RUBBER shows up and arrests everyone.

FAKE BATMAN

Jesus, I’m just trying to help, do you really need to punch me in the face with metal, spiked gloves? What’s the difference between you and me?

BAT-BALE

Depends, are you on good terms with your sister?

INT. KITCHEN

Various MOBS all meet in a single room to facilitate the plot. Suddenly, HEATH LEDGER enters.

HEATH LEDGER

So it seems you guys all have a problem with Batman. Did you guys ever consider killing him?

ERIC ROBERTS

Holy shit, are we allowed to do that? We thought about having a mobster vs. crimefighter softball game, but that’s way easier! Why the hell didn’t we think of that?

HEATH LEDGER

Damn, being a criminal mastermind is cake when the other criminals have brains the size of Mary-Kate Olsen’s lunch. Now, I need to take over one of your gangs. First, let me tell you a story about when my asshole dad said things like “why so serious?” and “let’s put a smile on that face!”

ERIC ROBERTS

So all of your best lines from the trailer were from you quoting your douchebag father? That’s almost as disappointing as the way the last scene brought back Cillian Murphy just to get rid of him in 2 minutes.

EXT. POLICE STATION ROOFTOP

GARY OLDMAN and AARON ECKHART wait on the rooftop for CHRISTIAN BALE IN A BLACK RUBBER SUIT.

BAT-BALE

Grrgrll farggle raar!

GARY OLDMAN

Nice to see you too. This is Aaron Eckhart, he’s the new District Attorney and eventual tragic character.

AARON ECKHART

Here’s the deal. The mobsters all gave their money to Chin Han, who has gone off to Hong Kong. We need you to go get him and bring him here so I can cut off the mob’s money supply.

BAT-BALE

Frmmrrphhl garg. Rarrawrl.

AARON ECKHART

Did you take voice coaching lessons from Jack Bauer or something? Don’t you feel like an idiot growling all of your lines? You sound like you’re gargling Michael Keaton’s balls.

CHRISTIAN BALE goes to see MORGAN FREEMAN.

CHRISTIAN BALE

Morgan, I need to fly to Hong Kong, kidnap Chin Han, then fly out. Can you help me using technology and caustic banter? Also I want a new suit that lets me turn my head.

MORGAN FREEMAN

A whole new suit? You spent the entire last movie building the first one, and you want a totally redesigned new one after one line of dialogue?

CHRISTIAN BALE

Yes.

MORGAN FREEMAN

Your new suit is ready, have fun.

MICHAEL CAINE

I’ve thought of an excellent alibi for when you’re in Hong Kong, Mr. Bale.

CHRISTIAN BALE

Does it involve me taking an entire ballet troupe to a yacht from which I will mysteriously disappear, arousing a great deal of suspicion?

MICHAEL CAINE

Sure does!

CHRISTIAN BALE flies to HONG KONG and abducts CHIN HAN, then brings him back to CHICAGO. CHIN sells out the MOBSTERS, who then go to TRIAL. The JUDGE for the trial gets into her car, which suddenly explodes! And the COMMISSIONER is poisoned! And ANTHONY MICHAEL HALL manages to find work!

INT. CHRISTIAN BALE’S PENTHOUSE

CHRISTIAN BALE throws a party for AARON ECKHART, which HEATH LEDGER crashes.

HEATH LEDGER

Good evening, we’re tonight’s entertainment! We also do birthday parties and Bar Mitzvahs. Here’s my card.

MAGGIE GYLLENHAAL

This is a ‘Wild Draw Four’ Uno card.

HEATH LEDGER

Yeah, I kinda had to use up all of the regular decks of cards in the city to stuff the judge’s car full of jokers. Took fucking hours.

MAGGIE GYLLENHAAL

Well if you’re here for Aaron Eckhart, we had ‘Old Chicago’ for dinner so he’s in the bathroom shitting lava.

HEATH LEDGER

I can wait. Want to hear a story? Once upon a time, I had a wife. She was beautiful, like you. Er, no, I mean in complete contrast to you. You’re actually kind of a butterface. But at least you’re not Katie Holmes, I like that.

BAT-BALE

Then you’re gonna love me!

HEATH LEDGER

How the hell did a guy in a giant bat costume sneak up right next to me without anyone noticing?

HEATH and CHRISTIAN fight, and somehow HEATH is able to hold his own against a guy with NINJA TRAINING. HEATH throws MAGGIE out of a window.

CHRISTIAN grabs her in midair, allowing MAGGIE to avoid landing on the PAVEMENT by landing safely on a CAR instead.

MAGGIE GYLLENHAAL

Thanks for catching me, but how are we going to resolve the issue of Heath still terrorizing your party guests upstairs?

BAT-BALE

Maybe if we awkwardly cut to the next scene, nobody will notice that we accidentally lost some pages of the screenplay.

CUT TO:

EXT. CHICAGO STREETS

The police are holding a funeral for the DEAD COMMISSIONER in the most logical location: directly in the middle of 4 abandoned high-rise buildings with lots of windows. The MAYOR gives a eulogy while wearing a DISTRACTING AMOUNT OF EYELINER.

CHRISTIAN BALE uses MAGIC to pull fingerprints off a nonexistent bullet and winds up getting to the FUNERAL just in time to see HEATH LEDGER attempt to shoot the unprotected MAYOR, miss, and somehow hit GARY OLDMAN instead.

AARON ECKHART

(oh phone)

Maggie, Gary Oldman has just been shot.

MAGGIE GYLLENHAAL

I’m sure he’s fine, he’s not even commissioner yet. We’re not supposed to actually be worried that he might be dead, are we?

AARON ECKHART

Nonetheless, I’m concerned for your safety. Who can we trust?

MAGGIE GYLLENHAAL

I can go to Christian Bale’s penthouse. It’s the safest place in Chicago right now.

AARON ECKHART

The place where I almost got killed by Heath Ledger and you got thrown out of a window? Maybe you should hide on some subway tracks instead.

HEATH LEDGER

(on television)

Starting today, I’m going to kill innocent people until Batman reveals his secret identity. This plan is sure to work, since Americans are generally so willing to negotiate with terrorists.

CHRISTIAN BALE

I’ll never give into this terrorist’s demands!

(pause)

Nevermind, I quit. Play the sad music while I throw everything in the garbage, Michael. I am Batman no more.

MICHAEL CAINE

Subtle. Did you want to go kiss Kirsten Dunst upside-down in the rain, too?

AARON ECKHART holds a plot-explaining press conference, a scene that is quickly becoming a staple of the “Comic Book Movie About A Millionaire Playboy That Uses Technology To Build A Suit That Enables Him To Fight Evildoers” genre.

AARON ECKHART

Batman has offered to turn himself in. Are you people sure you want him to do this? If we go through with it, he might be replaced with Robin in the sequel.

RANDOM COP

Do it! Things are worse than evurrrrrrrr!

AARON ECKHART

Fine. I’m Batman, arrest me.

RANDOM COP

What? No, Batman has to be someone super-wealthy like, I dunno, Christian Bale for example. Don’t be stupid.

The POLICE arrest AARON and drive him to JAIL, but HEATH LEDGER shows up to FUCK SHIT UP. CHRISTIAN BALE’S car gets damaged, forcing him to resort to his unstable-looking BALE-POD, sold separately.

The SWAT van transporting AARON turns down a random road, which happens to be the exact road HEATH predicted, and therefore has a trap waiting.

AARON ECKHART

God damn, Heath is pretty smart for a guy that dresses like he’s going to a midnight viewing of The Rocky Horror Picture Show.

CHRISTIAN BALE IN A RUBBER SUIT flips HEATH’S TRUCK using his BAT-PHYSICS-VIOLATOR, then rides up a wall in order to turn around like a BADASS. FANBOYS in the AUDIENCE cheer wildly for this, even though it looks RETARDED.

HEATH LEDGER

So it’s finally here. Me at one end of a Chicago street, you at the other. The epic battle between good and evil, teased in every advertisement for the movie! This is going to be awesome.

CHRISTIAN BALE crashes his bike like a PUTZ. HEATH laughs, then gets arrested by GARY OLDMAN, who is alive after all. Then the scene ends.

GARY OLDMAN

You see, this was all an elaborate plan to capture you! Including all the parts where a bunch of cops got killed!

HEATH LEDGER

That’s nothing, because MY plan included everything in your plan, but also some other stuff that gives me the upper hand after all! Eckhart and Gyllenhaal have been placed at opposite ends of the city with bombs strapped to them. You’ll only have time to save one.

BAT-BALE

That’s alright, the police will just save the other one.

HEATH LEDGER

Actually the police here are so incredibly inept that I am able to take their failure for granted in my grand scheme. Not that I look like the kind of guy that makes plans or anything.

GARY OLDMAN

We may be inept, but at least we don’t steal our dastardly plots from “Superman: The Movie.” Get your nose out of Gene Hackman’s ass.

CHRISTIAN tries to rescue MAGGIE but actually winds up saving AARON instead. ALL of MAGGIE blows up, HALF of AARON blows up, and ONE FOURTH of the AUDIENCE’S BLADDERS blow up.

Meanwhile, HEATH LEDGER escapes police custody using brabble frabble gloob glop.

INT. HOSPITAL

GARY OLDMAN visits AARON ECKHART, whose face has been half burnt off.

GARY OLDMAN

Holy fucking shit!

AARON ECKHART

Are you alarmed by my hideous scarring?

GARY OLDMAN

No, I just can’t believe how over-the-top Christopher Nolan went with the special effects on your face. I thought these movies were supposed to be realistic. Look at you, your fucking eyeball is hanging out. You look like the Toxic Avenger.

GARY leaves and HEATH LEDGER enters.

AARON ECKHART

You asshole, why did you kill my girlfriend?

HEATH LEDGER

I’m an agent of chaos. I just do things.

AARON ECKHART

Wow, that’s some sophisticated characterization there. As soon as I get out of these surprisingly strong bandages, I’m going to kill you!

HEATH LEDGER

Look, you don’t want to kill me for murdering her. You want to kill everyone else for failing to stop me from murdering her!

AARON ECKHART

That doesn’t make any sense at all.

HEATH LEDGER

And yet, it’s going to be your main character motivation for the rest of the movie. Now make with the murder, Sir Skins-A-Lot.

INT. CHRISTIAN BALE’S LAIR

MORGAN FREEMAN enters CHRISTIAN’S LAIR and finds an array of tiny LCDs monitoring the entire city using SONAR.

MORGAN FREEMAN

What the hell? How did you rig this thing up without me? You needed me to staple bat ears to a black mask.

BAT-BALE

I somehow installed your sonar technology in every phone in the city, and apparently everyone has bought a new phone in the past week. I need you to use this thing to find Heath Ledger.

MORGAN FREEMAN

This is totally unethical and I won’t stand for it.

BAT-BALE

What? This was YOUR plan. You didn’t give a shit when we were spying on Chinese guys but now you’re all pissy? What’s the difference between that and this?

MORGAN FREEMAN

Plausibility, mostly.

BAT-BALE

Well, this scene is getting dangerously close to actually having something to say, so we’d better hurry and get to a pointless action sequence.

CHRISTIAN and MORGAN figure out that HEATH is hiding out in a random building overlooking the harbor, where he has rigged two FERRIES with EXPLOSIVES.

MORGAN FREEMAN (O.S.)

(into Christian’s earpiece)

Alright, it looks like there are a bunch of hostages dressed as clowns and a bunch of kidnappers dressed as hostages. You should tell the SWAT guys so they don’t shoot the wrong people.

BAT-BALE

I think I’d rather beat the living shit out of them and leave them hanging off the side of a building instead.

CHRISTIAN walljumps his way to HEATH, who releases DOGS on him.

BAT-BALE

Oh no, dogs! Batman’s one true weakness!

BALE fights the dogs and then fights HEATH. Eventually HEATH falls off a ledge and plummets toward the ground, but CHRISTIAN saves him.

BAT-BALE

I saved you, Heath. That proves how committed I am to my sissy-pants moral code.

HEATH LEDGER

Huh. You didn’t seem to have a problem letting Liam Neeson die in the last movie, and all he did was blow up your house. I guess you loved your mansion more than Maggie Gyllenhaal. I don’t blame you, honestly.

BAT-BALE

I had to save you! You need to be in the next movie!

HEATH LEDGER

Yeah… about that…

EXT. BUILDING RUINS

AARON ECKHART has taken GARY OLDMAN’S FAMILY hostage.

GARY OLDMAN

Please don’t hurt my family. I know you’re trying to establish a major character shift in like five minutes, but still, this is pretty unbelievable.

AARON ECKHART

I’m going to kill your son, Gary. Please continue laying on the ground and doing absolutely nothing to stop me.

CHRISTIAN BALE shows up and shoves AARON off the building ledge to his OBVIOUSLY-NOT-ACTUAL-DEATH.

GARY OLDMAN

Way to avoid breaking your one rule, Bale.

BAT-BALE

We can’t let people find out he killed a bunch of people. Tell everyone I did it.

GARY OLDMAN

Hmm. You know, we could probably just blame everything on Heath Ledger, since he murdered like 500 other people during the movie.

BAT-BALE

No, it has to be me. Nothing else would be as arbitrarily dramatic.

GARY OLDMAN

Alright, I’ll go along with your plan to protect Eckhart’s reputation, somehow looking past the fact that he nearly just shot my son in the fucking face.

The POLICE chase CHRISTIAN BALE into the night while GARY tries to awkwardly contort his closing voiceover into something that lets him say the title of the movie.

CHRISTIAN BALE gives everyone in the AUDIENCE a MILLION DOLLARS and everyone rubs their movie tickets on themselves to CURE CANCER, because this is OHMIGOD THE BEST MOVIE EVER EVER EVER!